I will attempt to share some musings of lessons learned - whether spiritual, life-lessons, or what ever... primarily to share the exchanges between spirits while I focus more and more on, this world is not my Home, but I am headed Home!
Yesterday, something amazing happened after class! My Daughter, her husband and family received a remarkable gift – a Buick LeSabre! No, not my Buick LeSabre and not from me! I knew nothing about it! It was an anonymous gift given to the church, which in turn, gave it to my Daughter and her family!
I am still reeling from this astonishing event! I haven’t fully recovered from the receipt of my Buick LeSabre! Now there’s Another Buick LeSabre in the family?! This is why I posted earlier this morning, “No Words”. Such a blessing is simply beyond words!
It is their blessing that has all the evidence of it coming from God! What are the odds – if you’ve read my White Car story which is about my Buick LeSabre (“Living Out Loud” post), then you can easily see why I cannot deem this a mere coincidence! As I stated, this is their blessing, not mine… but I write about it because I receive a message through this blessing!
It’s difficult being a single mother, even a single mother of grown children. There are so many things I worry about concerning them and have felt burdened trying to help them alone. Through this blessing, I hear God say to my heart – I am not alone. He has them in His hands, in His care. I can trust Him with my life, so then I can most certainly trust Him with their lives! I can let go and let Him provide for them as He has provided for me! I can trust Him to teach them as He has taught me! I can partner with Him for as long as He allows breath in my body, but He is The One, not me! He is their teacher, their guide, their provider! There are no better hands for a parent to entrust their children than in the hands of The Loving, Gracious Father!
So, though I have sort of already posted today, I intentionally left, “No Words” blank – for emphasis. I now post this one because the “No Words” was No Joke. I want you to know why I was speechless.
Ever have one of those days that felt heavy? There's no sense of depression or blues. Nothing out of the ordinary is going on; the day just feels heavy. That's where I am today. Almost as though I have too much input and not enough output (to empty some of what's going in).
I also have the feeling that I need to get something accomplished - something specific. Yet, it's almost the feeling of having no idea what that specific thing might be. Therefore, I sense that the specific something has not even been initiated.
I have to probe through everything, being of the analytical nature, trying to determine the cause of this... heaviness. That, in itself, can feel heavy! I weigh this and that and look here and there, trying to find something that will make me go, "Aha! This is the culprit!" Nothing yet.
So I thought, maybe if I try another approach; maybe if I ask myself what I would rather do today. That didn't work either. I'm content with what I'm doing today. Oh sure, it would be nice to go visit a family member up north. It would be nice to spend a leisurely day in the mountains or at a lake. It would be nice to visit an obscure village in France! But none of these things are causing that feeling.
So, I suppose I'll just go ahead with my regular, daily routine. Maybe I will figure it out later, maybe not - who knows. Right now, I'd like to just sit and meditate on a verse I looked up this morning:
Zepheniah 3:17 - The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.
Today is rather quiet and almost mundane. So I will take this opportunity to share an older story of something that happened recently, over a period of three months and what God had to teach me through these experiences.
My Daughter and Grandson were in my Ford Focus when they were hit by another car and the Focus was totaled. Fortunately, no one was injured – in either car. Still, I was stressing. I was so afraid that I wouldn’t get enough for that ’01 Focus to be able to buy a decent car out right and I knew I couldn’t afford to make payments on a car or to carry full coverage (which would be required by law while paying on a car). Well, the first blessing from God is the insurance settlement. I expected around $2,200, because I had gone online and checked the Blue Book value of the car. Instead, the insurance company settled with me for $4,794! Isn’t that amazing!
Amazing as that was, however, I still was concerned that I wouldn’t be able to even replace what I had – that I would have to settle for a lesser car – because I also checked online and all the used cars that I looked at that were in my price range had over 100,000 miles of them… my Focus had had only 56,000. When I searched out cars with 56,000 on them… or at least below 100,000 miles, they were priced at twice the amount for which I had settled! I was really stressing.
So, the guys at church asked me what I needed. Well, they had picked us up in the church van every week since the accident. Therefore, I felt duty-bound to look for something large enough to seat all seven in my family. However, on the other hand, I felt I should only replace what I had and let the kids (namely, my Daughter and Son-in-law) provide their own transportation this time (the van I provided them with a few years ago was totaled). As I attempted to relate this to the guys from church, they cut me off, not to be rude, but in their enthusiasm to help. I had hoped for their advice as they listened to my dilemma. But, they immediately jumped to the conclusion that I needed a mini van. So, then I stressed and fretted over that for several weeks which grew into months. Finally, I did go to God with the issue and I felt He guided me to a decision that I did not need a mini van; that I only needed to replace my car. So, the very next Wednesday, I went to class intending to tell the car salesman of my decision… well, I didn’t see him before class. After class, I headed towards the foyer and I heard him call my name behind me. I turned and heard him say, “I decided that you don’t need a mini van! You need a car!” I scarcely had time to celebrate God’s goodness in his coming to that conclusion when I heard him say, “And I found you the perfect car! It’s a white, 2003 Buick LeSabre!” I cringed, for two reasons. I wouldn’t have known a LeSabre if one had hit me. But, I was familiar with the name “Buick”. I thought, “Oh no! I won’t be able to afford it!” And the other reason, I decided, was too petty to tell anyone about; he had said that the car was white. Without questioning my response or delving into it at all, I pushed the thought about the color out of my mind. There were more pressing issues with which to deal.
Issues like, we had dipped into the car money and even though he said that the car was only $4,000 plus tax, title and license (will tell you why so cheap in a minute) I knew that we wouldn’t have enough to cover it. I was embarrassed to tell him that I no longer had enough! He had gone through so much trouble, and it really did sound like a good deal! It was a one owner car and even though I would go to the dealership at which he worked (in a nearby town) to get the car, I wasn’t actually buying it from the dealership. That’s how they were able to keep the price so low! But, even with the car that low, as I said, we had dipped into the insurance money to pay bills, so I didn’t have enough money.
Now then, he had also told me about a car that he had that he would be willing to sell me if the deal with the Buick didn’t work out. He had a Honda Accord. It had 133,000 miles on it. He said that the Buick would be a much better car for me as it only had 84,000 miles on it, it was a newer car than the Accord and it was just a better car. I, however, was leaning towards the Accord because he had said that he would sell me the Accord for $3,250. I knew I had enough to cover that and would still have some padding left over to keep in the account. I asked him if I had to make a decision that Wednesday or if I could go home and pray about it. He agreed that we should each go home and pray about it and see which car God wanted for me.
Thursday came and left - no call about either car. Friday, he called and asked me what my schedule was that day. I told him that I worked until . He asked me what my schedule was like for Saturday. I told him that I was off on Saturday. He asked if I would like to come and pick up my new car. I asked him which one I was getting. He answered, “The Buick, of course!” I cringed… immediately remembering the color (then quickly pushing that out of my mind and focusing on the more urgent issue) I could not afford the car.
So, I immediately went to my bosses secretary (who comes in one day a week, and not always the same day, but “happened” to be there that particular day!) and asked her if she thought that my boss would be willing to advance me $250 which I would repay at $50 per week until I’d repaid it all. She said that she would ask him. As I was leaving her office, he walked in, so she asked him immediately! Moments later, she appeared at my desk with an extra check (I’d already received my pay check) for $250. And as it “happened” a woman with an office in here was going to the side of town on which I bank, so since I still didn’t have transportation, she took my pay check and the extra $250 and deposited it for me.
I got a ride to get my car early Saturday morning. We stopped in a grocery store parking lot to pray about the transaction. Then she dropped me off and went on. I saw the car… or what I assumed was the car (because as I stated earlier, I wouldn’t have known a LeSabre if one had hit me) for the first time… I had to walk around it until I found “LeSabre” on it so I was fairly certain that I was looking at the right car. I peered in the window. My first thought (which I quickly pushed out of my head) was, “It’s white!” My second thought, which I later joked about was “Oh no! I am officially middle-aged!” I was not accustomed to having so large or so nice a car! It was to be my very first luxury car! I tried not to look disappointed as I stepped back and eyed the car, staring at its white color… shaking it off, ignoring a foreboding feeling and went in to sign the papers and write my check for the car.
Now at this point, I think it important to point out, I was committed to buying this car without having ever seen it; I really didn’t know what I was getting and despite my initial reaction about the car being white!
I got in the car and started back to Brownwood. Every mile I put on the car changed my heart towards it. The ride was so smooth! It had so many bells and whistles – I felt I could ignore the fact that it seemed too ‘old’ a car for me… meaning; I felt that a middle-aged person would pick out something like this, but not me! I was falling in love with my car!
The next week, the boss’s secretary was in on a Thursday and brought my pay check to me a day early. I was anticipating the check to be $50 short, due to my agreement. When I looked at it, however, it was for the full amount! When I questioned the secretary about it, she informed me that the boss had decided to not have me repay the $250!!! I was astounded! I was beside myself! All I could do was cry tears of gratitude!
The next week, I was stunned to find myself staring at the car through the office window and struggling with the fact that the car was white! I refused to give much thought to the issue, it seemed so petty! Therefore, I also refused to take the issue to God!
I tried to deal with the issue as best as I could, posting photos of the car on facebook and discussing the color of the car as not really being a true white!
Then, one day, sitting at my work computer, I decided to go on webshots.com and search out some photos for my screen saver and compulsively decided to look for photos of Alaska. One of my older Sisters got on Messenger and we chatted; I told her about my white car. She asked me why there was an issue about the car being white. I hadn’t really thought about ‘why’ until she asked and I answered that I suspected that it looked like the type of car that “JeNene” (the name given to me by my ‘adopted’ mother… she named me – as she put it – after herself… she was Jean). My Sister was a bit surprised by that… not the concept of associating separate tastes and preferences by my various names (Jenney – birth name; JeNene – ‘adopted’ name; and Donna – legal name) but that the car looked like something JeNene would have preferred and that Jenney or Donna would not. (I’m not saying I have split personalities…. It’s just certain things are associated with each name.)
That night, I pondered the situation but still considered it too petty to take to God. The next day, again at work and going through photos on webshots, this time I compulsively went through photos from Colorado! Seemed like such a good idea at the time! I found a lot of photos of familiar sites. But, I also found a lot of painful memories. The woman who ‘adopted’ me was probably responsible for about 95% of the abuse I suffered as a child. Memories flooded my mind as I looked at photos from Colorado Springs. Pain flooded my heart; confusion flooded my spirit. Finally it was significant enough to take to God. In taking it to Him, I realized things I had not really realized prior to taking it to Him. One was that I was now angry with Him. For, I reasoned, that He, Who knew all things knew how I would respond to the car being white! Why did He give me a white car?! He knew that the memories and pain would flood me and that I would feel confused, wondering why He would want me to go through all of that again! As I prayed, I realized that the issue with the white car was in that she had always insisted on all of her cars being white! I had never known it to be an issue for me because I had never considered buying a white car! It wasn’t until a white car had been given to me that I realized that I even had an issue with owning a white car!
I prayed, as was my custom, in my journal while at the office. Typically, my praying is interrupted with answering six different lines or handling walk-ins for eight different businesses. But this particular morning, the phone didn’t ring once, nor was there even one walk-in. Good thing, too, because I could not keep from weeping as I prayed! I asked Him, “Is this about her? Because You know that I have tried to find her. I’ve looked for her house and couldn’t even find her street! Besides, I can’t forgive her to her face. She doesn’t believe that she’s done anything requiring my forgiveness!” My anger was becoming stronger. Even so, I finished the prayer with telling Him that I knew that He loves me and that I cling to Him! Even in my hurt and confusion and being angry with Him, I clung to Him!
The next day, it was as though there was never an issue about the car being white! I glanced at it through the window and there was no sense of foreboding or disappointment… nothing negative! When I told my Daughter about this at home she mentioned that it was interesting how I’d had the car for a couple of weeks before the color became an issue. I told her that it was an issue before I ever saw the car because I had been told that the car was white! I just felt it was too petty to tell anyone about, not even God! The next day, I thought about all of this as I was getting read for work. I realized that throughout my life there have been a number of times I had refused to tell God about something because I feared the issue to be too petty to bother Him. I also feared that since I had an issue with the color that would demonstrate a lack of gratitude on my part for such a grand gift! I had been thinking Ford Focus or Honda Accord and obviously God thought, Buick LeSabre; demonstrating that He truly does bless us far beyond what we could ever dream or imagine! I didn’t want to appear ungrateful, so I attempted to stifle the issue. It was just too petty.
Finally, I realized that all of this served to remind me of what I had been studying recently that had appeared through several sources, and that is, “God so loves us that He pursues us like a lover”! That concept was uncomfortable to me at first. But the more I read about it from more than a couple of sources, the more it gradually began to sink in! I thought how, like a lover, God desires us to bring Everything to Him! Even, or perhaps even especially those things we consider, too petty!
All I could do again is weep tears of joy and gratitude for what He had just taught me! It is a lesson I will not soon forget!!!! A powerful lesson! An amazing lesson!
If you have read my older posts, you have seen that I mention “Captivating” by John and Staci Eldredge on more than one occasion. One thing that I recall marveling at is that God will bring us back to past experiences to demonstrate that He was there, even then. This is what He did in my ‘white car experience’. I share this today because I have recently ‘lived out loud’ my struggle with forgiveness and mercy for someone towards whom I did not want to show forgiveness or mercy. I have recently ‘lived out loud’ my struggle regarding my need to repent for a particular letter written to the same individual. I feel that the letter and my need to repent for writing it, was put upon my heart last Wednesday night in class because God wanted 1) me to repent 2) to realize that I did not handle that situation properly – I failed to turn it over to Him and 3) to cause me to look for Him, His presence in that situation. And perhaps 4) He has me share it all here… for you.
I feel I am moving into another... phase of this... struggle. I am very sorry I disappointed God, My Father. I am very sorry I dishonored Him. I am grieved about it through and through. Maybe it's splitting hairs, but, I am still struggling with forgiveness and mercy toward her. I admit, I know it's the right thing to do - to forgive her and show her mercy.
Maybe I am holding out because I feel I need acknowledgment that what she did was wrong - and while she deserved what I said to her in that letter, she didn't deserve it from me - or perhaps better phrased, it wasn't my place. That's it! It wasn't my place. Oh.
I get it, now... or perhaps better phrased, I accept it now. It was not my place. So I was wrong.
The issue of the 'continual', what about that now? I do with that what I should have done in the first place instead of writing that letter; I place it in His hands and let it go. Once it's in His hands, it's His to do with as He sees fit. I cannot tell Him what to do with it.
I don't know how He's going to handle that issue, but what I do know is that I trust Him. He has done nothing but good for me in every situation of my life! As for me, what now, what do I do with me and my hurting heart? I lay in His arms and let Him console me while I heal and He gives me the strength and courage to forgive her and show her mercy. I'm not there yet (the forgiveness and mercy), but I'm closer. I know He will bring this about and His timing is perfect. The healing begins.
My thoughts are consumed with this issue of ‘the letter’. I search and weigh every angle. I have prayed, I have grieved, and I have prayed some more. I felt angry and resentful, and resisted extending forgiveness and mercy to the recipient of that letter. I reason, how can I extend something I do not have in my heart for her? How can I force my heart to feel something for her that I do not feel or even want to feel for her? This is a person who continues to slander my Daughter with the same lies she told of her 16 years ago. This is about an issue that is not over. She shows no remorse, has never admitted any wrong doing… Wait. I can’t do this. I cannot plead my case against her without her present to defend herself. Under the circumstances, that seems an inappropriate thing to do – to initiate communication to try to get this issue resolved once and for all.
Had I known then what I know now – had I had the relationship with God then that I enjoy now, I would have taken this to Him rather than taking matters in my own hands as I did with that letter. I would like to believe that I would have taken it to Him. It’s all hypothetical now. It’s easy for me to say that’s what I would have done. I hope I would have done so. Perhaps that is what He is laying on my heart to repent of; taking matters in my own hands. That I can do. I still feel, however, that along with that, He wants me to forgive her and be merciful toward her. I cannot offer what I do not feel. I do not know how. I do not know how He will bring me to where He wants me, but I trust Him. Somehow, He will accomplish even this – for I cannot.
Class last night brought out some things that are very troubling to me. I realize that I live my faith inside myself. Oh sure, I blog. I have files of notes from personal Bible studies, notes for classes I’ve taught, notes from books I’ve read, etc. I have three Bibles, one of which is filled with notes in the margins. No, come to think of it, I have about five Bibles. I have a prayer journal – a box full actually. I attend worship, I sing, I pray. Where is any of that outside myself? Where is any of that an outward faith? Where is that actually doing something for someone else? My class notes from classes I’ve actually taught? Sure, okay. But I don’t teach every Sunday, every Wednesday, every quarter or even every year. If my sporadic teaching is the extent of my giving to others… need I say more?
But that’s not exactly what the lesson was about; who is my neighbor was the thrust of the lesson. We modernized the parable of the Good Samaritan. You would need to understand the significance of a Samaritan as the one who showed mercy in the story to fully grasp what Jesus intended for the one asking the original question and for us today. I’m not going to reiterate the lesson here. I will just say that bringing it closer in, the one to whom I would find it most difficult to show mercy would be my ex-husband’s second wife. As of this month – as of last week, actually – it’s been 18 years since my divorce. Five years ago I was divorced from him as long as I was married to him. Over the years I have grappled with and struggled earnestly with resentment, anger, jealousy, betrayal – a gamut of emotions and responses. I have prayed for her. I have sat down and talked with her face to face. I have written her letters of encouragement, assuring her of God’s love for her; all of which I undid the year my first Grandchild was expected. I wrote a long, nasty letter letting her know that she would not be the Grandmother of the child and that she was not welcome at the hospital. Now I feel convicted for that letter. It’s been nearly ten years since I wrote that horrible letter. Not once have I felt remorse, until now. In fact, every time I’ve thought about it, I felt justified and glad that I wrote it.
Now, however, I’m struggling, even as I type this out, with my feelings about my remorse for the letter. I sense that God wants me to repent for writing that letter. That makes me feel angry. I don’t want to repent for writing the letter. What I did to her was a far cry less than what she did to me and to my children! But, it’s not about that. It’s not about me. It’s not about her role in what happened to my children. It’s about what God wants and what pleases Him.
I have prayed and struggled through all those feelings before and believed I had put it all behind me. I believed that I was completely healed. That letter is evidence that the healing was not complete. Angry, resentful tears blur my eyes as I try to convey all of this today in this post. So, it’s time. It’s time for me to put my easy faith to the test – put it into practice. I have to pray the hard prayer. I have to ask God to heal my heart and let me be completely healed so that I may completely forgive her and be able to truly show her mercy. I’m not going to write her another letter. I think that the damage I did with that one letter will overshadow anything I could say to her now. It wouldn’t matter how sincere I may be, I don’t anticipate it to be received in the manner intended. Besides, if I was to write it today, I wouldn’t mean it. It wouldn’t be sincere.
I have to be honest – it’s been 18 years. I don’t want to revisit all that pain. I don’t want to work through any more anger. I don’t want to fight to overcome any more resentment. I don’t want to deal with this anymore! I have to continually stop and blot the tears from my eyes as I write. What do I want? Right this minute – justice!
Father,
I do not have a heart of mercy toward her. Every new stage of life feels like more that she is trying to rob from me! That’s why I wrote that letter nearly 10 years ago – she already had my husband, my home, my life… for a while, she had my children and You know what a fiasco that turned out to be! I refused to let her be any part of my Grandchildren, too.
But in class last night, You convicted me that the letter was wrong. It undid any good I may have done with the other letters before that one. It just feels like the pain of those selfish decisions 18 years ago are continuing to inflict pain, continuing to steal what was rightfully mine had she not interfered with our marriage!
Now, Father, it feels as though, any healing I may have experienced in the past has been undone. It feels as though I have to start over. Father, I don’t want to start over! I’m so full of anger and bitterness and resentment toward her.
But Father, I love You! I cannot be this way toward her and please You – and I deeply desire to please You! Past experience has taught me, it will not just go away. To heal, I have to allow You to take me through a process. You know I don’t want to, but Father, I do want to do it for You. Please, forgive me of my refusal to show her mercy. Please, Father, let’s begin again. Please let me have the strength and courage to see it through to completion. I’m tired of feeling these feelings toward her, Father. I am not demonstrating the mercy that You have shown me. I very much want to please You. So, let the healing begin.
Help me to truly repent of the letter, Father. Help me to see how You want me to truly show her mercy. I'm not ready for the mercy, Father. Because I want to be completely sincere in whatever I do for You! I need to be free of all of these feelings toward her that produces the lack of mercy I have toward her.
Thank You, Father. I'm not looking forward to this, but I know that You will be with me, as always!
Today I splurged and picked up a taco salad on my way home for lunch. I have been spoiled to my Daughter and her family living with me (she usually has a sandwich or soup or leftovers from the evening meal of the day before for me every day) so when she called to let me know that she would be out of pocket, I immediately opted for the taco salad. Sitting in my comfortable chair, ‘doctoring’ my salad with the packets of sauce, salsa and sour cream, I could not help but remember what someone told me regarding someone else’s first impression of sour cream; which soured that one on ever eating sour cream or anything known to contain sour cream.
Then my thoughts turned to the “Stoic Joy” post of yesterday and how ‘first impressions’ related to that post. From there, my thoughts went on to Dr. Timothy Young in the Dallas area and how, with only four sessions, he helped me with my ‘first impressions’ that had been causing a problem in my life. He told me that his job was to help me to let God rewrite my dictionary and redefine words like; love, family, Donna and ultimately, God. So I realized that ‘first impressions’ can truly cause a lot of trouble in one’s life!
A bad ‘first impression’ can keep one from enjoying sour cream. Or worse, a bad ‘first impression’ can cause someone to look for love in all the wrong ways, in all the wrong places. A faulty ‘first impression’ can cause someone to have unrealistic expectations of family, which in turn can cause heartaches and broken relationships with one’s own family! An unrealistic ‘first impression’ of self, as given to one by one’s own family, can cause one to be precluded from living an abundant life full of love, joy, peace; God’s blessings in general. An erroneous ‘first impression’ can cause one to be so far off base regarding God that He is feared and avoided – feared, not in a reverent way, but in a way as a child fears an abusive parent. Fear is not the only response generated from the various, erroneous ‘first impressions’ one can have about God; some ‘first impressions’ result in harsh judgment of God. Some people’s ‘first impressions’ of God result in false accusations of God as tyrant, or a puppeteer, or a cruel task master, etc.
It is good that we desire to make good ‘first impressions’ whenever we meet anyone new. Just a glance over my life reveals to me the tenacity with which I clung to my ‘first impressions’ as a child or even a teen… well, as a young adult, for that matter! How much I missed out on by clinging stubbornly to my ‘first impressions’! Sometimes it will take a lot of work to overcome a bad ‘first impression’. Had I not overcome the bad ‘first impressions’ of my early life, if I were even here at all, I would not live a life enjoying the blessing of a God I did not trust!
I was taught, at an early age, that God did not have to prove anything to me! His Word is sufficient! Jesus dying on the cross is sufficient! To even desire any more than that was disrespectful, irreverent and even sinful. I am here to tell you that we do not love and serve an ancient God who is detached and out of touch with the modern world. We love and serve a God who desires that we love Him as Abba, Father! We love and serve a God who seeks daily communion with us! We love and serve a God who will pursue our hearts until we finally see Him through clearer eyes – who will demonstrate His passion for us daily, proving to us again and again, that He is trustworthy! I would have missed all of this had I not struggled to overcome my ‘first impression’ of Him!
What are some ‘first impressions’ you need to overcome? You could be enjoying sour cream! You could be basking in love again. You could be repairing old tears in the fabric of your family. You could be allowing yourself to live a joy-filled life that in turn, fills the lives of others with joy! You could be realizing the blessings God desires to lavish on you today and every day – if you would but overcome some of your ‘first impressions’!
I find it interesting, how people perceive one another; sometimes being right on target, other times, so far off base. Take me, for instance. I am half Tsimshian Indian… yeah, see, the Spell Check flagged it already. Not many have heard of Tsimshian Indians. Tsimshians are a northwest coastal tribe that survived, primarily from the ocean and rivers. The villages of the Tsimshians stretched from Northern California all the way up to the Yukon Territory. We were a tribe of hunters, gatherers and fishermen with villages scattered throughout our territory. Well, I didn’t intend to give you a lesson on Tsimshian history or culture – so suffice it to say, it has been in my nature to be rather, shall we say, stoic? Consequently, I have been described as very serious, angry, always scowling, or just generally unhappy. I must confess I do have a tendency to be somewhat analytical. I am interested in knowledge and thrive on probing questions to dig deeper into a topic. There are other factors which contributed to my nature being that of silence, contemplative, and perhaps a tad philosophical that is for another post, another time.
It is on rare occasions when someone who has known me for years, will see me ‘let my hair down’ and show my fun-side in public. My family is aware of the rarely seen side of me, but not many of even my closest friends have seen that side. So it is that when my fun side reveals itself, it takes people by surprise; mostly pleasantly, thank goodness! This has been a source of concern for me through out the years; enough so that I have been praying that God would allow me to be free to reveal my heart of joy to others that I may bring joy into their lives. Such as this morning on my way to work – well, perhaps not this morning because I was driving at the time, but I was listening to the radio and feeling my heart so full of joy and happiness that I just felt like lifting my hands to the sky and spinning joyfully around like a little girl twirling her skirt! I felt myself smile as I pictured myself doing that – then immediately became acutely aware of my physical appearance; in actuality, I was not smiling. I felt as though I was smiling, I felt the joy, and I could even feel the sparkle dancing in my eyes. But there was no smile on my face. I realize that my Tsimshian nature and personality traits that present me as primarily stoic, is evidence that the absence of a smile on someone’s face does not constitute the absence of joy in one’s heart. However, that’s not how joy is shared. And that is my interest; sharing joy!
I cannot picture myself busting out in song every time I feel my spirit soar with joy. I cannot picture myself dancing to my car to celebrate time to return home to my family in the evening. I cannot even picture my giggle box getting stuck in the on position even in the delight of watching the discovery my Grandchildren experience or the antics that our pet kitties perform! Still, I want to learn to share joy with others – the joy that God gives me and fills my heart to overflowing. This is going to be a challenge for me! I’m going to have to step out of my comfort zone in order to accomplish this feat.
In an effort to reveal some of the joyful things I experience within, I will share a prayer I prayed in my journal, last Friday (I pray in my journal most every day, once – the rest of my prayers are private, between God and me).
Righteous Father,
How I love You and adore You! You are my All, my Everything! You are Wonderful to me! You are the air that I breathe – I cannot live without You! You are all the beauty in my life! You are the song in my heart! You are the dance in my spirit! You are the beat of my heart! You are that excellent sensation that fills me up and overflows in love-tears from my eyes!
I love You, Father! Please teach me to love You more! Take hold of my heart and bring every part of my life under Your will! Because you are Excellent and worthy of praise and adoration! I love You, Father! How I love You! Please teach me to love You more!
I Googled ‘imprecatory Psalms’ and noted the links that provided a thumbnail of the contents stated primarily negative comments regarding the general consensus of the imprecatory Psalms. One stated that C.S. Lewis hated the Psalms, period. One link contained a warning about the disturbing content of the imprecatory Psalms. One link (which intrigued me) was regarding the debate of whether the imprecatory Psalms should be contained in the Canon of Scripture. The following was copied off the internet – it is an excerpt from "The Springfielder” July 1975 – Volume 39, Number 3 from the “ctsfw.net” website.
[A LISTING OF THOSE PASSAGES IN THE PSALMS THAT CONTAIN MALEDICTIONS AND CURSES
In the passages that will be listed it should be noted that all five books of the Psalter:
1-41
42-72
73-89
107-150 contain imprecations, maledictions and curses.
5 -10
6 – 10
7 - 9-16
10 – 15
17 -13
18 - 40-42
18 – 47
26 - 4-5
28 – 4
31 – 17-18
35 - 3-8
40 – 14
54
55 – 9-19
56 – 7
58 - 6-10
59 - ll-15
68 – 2
69 (most of the psalm)
70 - 2-3
71 – 13
79 – 6-12
83 - 9-17
104 -35
109 -6-20
129
137 - 7-9
140 - 8-11
141- 10
143 – 12
149 - 6-9
The Psalms that are singled out for special censure by the critics of the Imprecatory Psalms are the fifty-fifth, sixty-ninth, one hundred and ninth, and one hundred and thirty-seventh. These psalms have been under such fire that many have revised the Psalter and removed these passages, which, in their reasoning, are unfit to be read by Christian eyes, much less uttered by Christian lips.]
Interesting. I know I struggled with the nature of the imprecatory Psalms when I began my study in earnest last week. However, I strongly believe in the power of God. I therefore believe that those in the power of authority regarding the Canon of Scripture may have believed that they were making the decision regarding which books and letters and scriptures to include in the Canon, but I believe that the final outcome was according to the will of God. I cannot believe that He would allow something to have been included that would have been contrary to His will or harmful to us; not in a book to be delivered to the world as His Holy Word!
Therefore, my conclusion stands as previously stated. I believe that God allowed the imprecatory Psalms to be included in His Holy Word because of what we can learn from them. An excerpt from my blog post, “Straining Toward Conclusion”;
I conclude that imprecatory prayers were, in fact, acts of obedience to God that vengeance was His, He would repay. Since David was the primary author of the imprecatory Psalms, I conclude that David emptied the vengeance from his heart, turned it over to God and left it in His hands. I believe that David did not concern himself with whether God answered such prayers in the manner that David requested or if He elected to show mercy. Perhaps David remembered the words that God spoke to Moses; “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” Perhaps imprecatory prayers served the same purpose as forgiveness – benefiting the one uttering the prayer by emptying out that one’s heart of the desire for vengeance as forgiveness empties the heart of the forgiver of the same thing, the desire for vengeance or justice or even the acknowledgment of wrong-doing by the offender.
Personally, I see no reason to exclude the imprecatory Psalms from Scripture or even the imprecatory verses from an otherwise praise Psalm. I feel they serve as a wonderful and encouraging example that not only does God desire us to pour out our hearts to Him but He provides a way to help us in our desire to please Him and refrain from sinning – even in the midst of our anger, pain, anguish or urge to seek revenge. To have the kind of relationship with God that I see depicted by the Psalmists of imprecatory Psalms is still a desire of mine.
While I am not absolutely certain that I have an accurate understanding of imprecatory Psalms, I do believe that those who prayed such prayers were likely doing so in obedience to God’s decree, “Vengeance is Mine, I will repay”. I believe that those that prayed such prayers were likely very close to God. I believe that they must have had an enviable relationship with Him that they utterly trusted Him and they delighted in pleasing Him and delighted in communing with Him. I believe that those that prayed such prayers likely communed with Him frequently. I imagine that God was as real to such people as someone standing next to them wearing flesh and bones. I have decided I want that type of relationship with Him! I want that solid of a faith in Him! I prayed about this very thing this morning. Then something amazing happened! I received something that I wasn’t looking for, but am so grateful for this affirmation!
As I prayed, the memory of something very intense came to the forefront of my mind. Something I had not thought about in at least a year if not longer; something that I refer to as, “My D Day”; my day of decision. It’s probably a good sign that I have forgotten the specific day this occurred, but I still remember the month and the year; it was May of 1986. I had everything I had ever dreamed of and more. I had a loving, Christian husband and two wonderful children. I had love, security, acceptance… I had peace. I became a Christian, deliberately, in August of 1984. I say ‘deliberately’ because when it was beneficial, I was baptized as a young girl, as a teen… several times, actually. Almost every time I changed foster families I would end up being baptized again. I had quickly learned that every time I did that, it not only pleased my new foster parents, but it put me in good standing and out of trouble for a period of time. At least until they realized that the decision was not a decision of the heart. Oh, I didn’t know that at the time. I didn’t realize I was manipulative and worked what ever I could to my advantage. I was as sincere as I knew how to be.
I married in 1977 and my personal struggle with faith began before I started ‘attending church’, before I became a Christian. I started my first journal in 1982 – when I began searching for answers; what did it mean to be a Christian. How does one know what to believe, who to believe – there were so many faiths from which to choose. The Children’s Home had engrained in me the belief that there was only one way to God… what if I chose the wrong way? Could I rely on the Bible to reveal the right way to me? Could I trust the Bible to truly be The Word of God? All of these questions and likely some I’ve forgotten, plagued me for a couple years before I made that deliberate decision in 1984.
Suffice it to say, the decision had been made and I was actively involved; teaching the two and three year olds, teaching VBS, participating in “Prayer Sisters”, going to Lectureships and Ladies Retreats. I was happy. Life was good! No, life was great! And then it hit. The deepest, darkest depression I’d ever experienced and hope never to again! My troubled and abused childhood flooded my memory, accusing me of being unworthy of the blessed and happy life I was living, robbing me of my joy… of my peace. Events that I had experienced and forgotten about were now flooding the majority of my thoughts. I became more and more dysfunctional; getting lost in the fears of my childhood of failure, of being abandoned again, of being unwanted, unloved, unneeded… unnecessary. Depression loomed darker and heavier with each passing day. Thoughts of suicide were never far from my mind. I just wanted the fear and pain in my heart to go away. My husband never knew from one day to the next if he would come home to find me… well, dead. I knew I was making him miserable and that made me even more miserable and only affirmed the accusations in my mind of my inadequacies and unworthiness. It culminated in what I refer to as, “My D Day”. (See more about my 'D Day' in The Journey Begins)
The memories are so vivid. I walked out into the pasture behind the dairy on which there was a stock tank. I felt as though I would explode. I felt rage, fear, desperation, and confusion – all of it spiraling out of control. I saw my husband watching me walk that direction, I heard him call to me. I didn’t answer. I was on my way to do something, but I didn’t know what I intended to do. I knew I wanted it all to end and end now. I took nothing with me. With empty hands and a full heart of turmoil, I walked until I reached the stock tank. I stood there, my eyes blurred from hot, angry tears. I was shaking. I was so desperate and chastised myself for not bringing a knife or a gun… something to use to get the deed over with quickly. I looked at the water in the tank and watched it respond to the breeze that was blowing that day. I saw the reflection of the clouds in the water which caused me to look up, which in turn, caused me to think about God. Suddenly, I had a target at which to direct my anger. I raged at Him. I cringed while doing so, but still I raged on. I circled the tank a few times, I think I was stomping around it because it seemed the more I emptied my heart out to God (no, I did not realize that’s what I was doing) the more intense I felt the rage. At one point I looked up and saw my husband in the distance, watching me. I knew what he was thinking, I’d seen the look in his eyes every day when he left the house – what was I going to do? Would he need to dash out to me to save me from myself? This only intensified my anger. I hated what I was feeling and I hated what I was putting him through! I hurled all of this at God. At times, it almost felt as though I wanted to make Him mad, mad enough to respond to me. ‘Look at me! I am here! I am in pain!’ I knew I had a Savior who had saved me from my sins. I needed a Savior who could save me from the turmoil, anguish, and despair churning within me. And I was demanding that He come to save me, right now.
I had reached my limit. I could handle no more. Even though all that I ‘knew’ about faith had me feeling as though I was treading on thin ice, talking to God the way I was, I continued raging at Him. I feared I was being ungrateful for the sacrifice Jesus made on the cross for me. I feared I was being ungrateful to God for sending His Son to die for my sins. I do not remember everything I said to Him that day. But I do recall saying that I did appreciate that He gave Jesus to save me, but as bad as it sounded, it wasn’t enough. Going to worship, studying the Bible, teaching class, performing my Christian duties – something was missing. I didn’t know what it was, but I was certain that if I had it, I would not be struggling with the decision of whether or not to end my life. At one point, I accused God of holding out on me. I said that there had to be something more! This can’t be it. And while I didn’t intend for it to be a threat, I can see how it would sound like one; I said that I realized I was taking a risk, talking to Him the way I did. I told Him that I realized that if He wanted to strike me down, He could, and I said that I wouldn’t care if He did, that He would be doing me a favor. I said that one way or another, the intense turmoil that kept me having to make the decision day to day, to live or die had to come to an end. I either needed to die and get it over with so that my family could move on, or I needed it put behind me once and for all and move on with living. But where I was did not constitute living. It was a pathetic existence that I could no longer tolerate. ‘Either let me live, or let me die. Don’t leave me here!’
I finally talked out all of my rage. I was empty. I stood for a while, then sat on that gravelly bank and watched the water, wondering what would happen next. And that’s what people always asked me, for years afterwards when I would tell of my D Day. “What happened next?” I always felt disappointed that I had nothing to tell them. I didn’t know what happened next. All I knew is that somehow, I found the strength to get up from that bank and walk home, ready to continue looking for the answers – not knowing, at the time, that I still had to find the right questions. I answered, “What happened next?” by saying that soon, a process began that continued over several years. That process took me from that struggling, dysfunctional state to one of a growing faith in Him.
This brings us to today and the prayer I was praying, starting out about the imprecatory Psalms. Remember what I stated? ‘I want that type of relationship with Him! I want that solid of a faith in Him!’ I told Him this in prayer and it was at that point that my D Day came to my mind. Do I think this a coincidence? No. Do I think it was triggered by something else going on relative to that day? I definitely do not. I think that God brought the memory of my D Day to my mind to demonstrate something to me, and while He was at it, He answered a question – He answered, ‘what happened next’ so that I would have an answer ready the next time someone asks. He laid His hand on my heart to let peace replace the turmoil and to give me strength to continue searching for the answers. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was looking for Him. The ‘something more’ I insisted existed somewhere, was Him! I wanted an intimate, personal relationship with my Creator, my God, my Lord and my Savior. I didn’t want a set of do’s and don’ts. I didn’t want a formula, a recipe, or a new Christian project in which to get involved. I wanted Him. I needed Him! It would take several more years before I began asking the right questions. But eventually, the right questions were asked and He answered… just as He answered me today… demonstrating to me that I am closer to Him than I was on that day of decision back in 1986. My faith is not perfect, it is not complete. My relationship with Him needs improvement. But today I received affirmation – He caused me to look back at how far I’ve come since that turning point in my life, My D Day.
I will begin by sharing a prayer that I prayed yesterday – September 14.
Holy Father,
My mind feels heavily weighted down today. I’m still trying to sort out imprecatory Psalms. I cannot find justification for us to pray a prayer like the imprecatory Psalms today.
Then my thoughts turn to the fact that Jesus said “Woe” to various people. Is that necessarily imprecatory to “woe” someone?
Then I think, even if “woe-ing” those people was imprecatory, He is Your Son! As for us, He told us to pray for our enemies. In fact, He told us to love our enemies.
Why is this so unsettling for me? I have to wonder – why did You allow the imprecatory Psalms to be included in The Scriptures? You could have kept them from us. Why? What do You want us to learn from imprecatory Psalms? Psalm 113 can teach us that we can pour out our hearts to You without being imprecatory. So why are the imprecatory Psalms included for our instruction?
Father, please open my eyes that I may see. Please open my ears to hear. Please open my understanding. I want to know and comprehend the lesson You intended for us to learn from those Psalms.
Maybe I should read all of the imprecatory Psalms to see if I can see Your intention for including them.
In His Name,
Love,
Your
Daughter
Then, I got out my list of imprecatory Psalms – remember which are imprecatory? Psalms 7, 35, 55, 58, 59, 69, 79, 109, 137 and 139.
What I get out of Psalm 7 is that David is proclaiming his innocence regarding Cush’s accusation against him. Strongly proclaiming his innocence! I also see David’s confidence that God will turn Cush’s traps back onto him, effectively protecting David from the evil intentions of Cush.
Basically, I see the same thing in Psalm 35. I wonder if David meant what he asked of God. I mean, would it be adding to The Scripture or changing the meaning of anything to say that he could have meant that he was hurt and angry or afraid enough to ask God to avenge him or to fight for him, etc; but that he didn’t truly expect God to honor his appeals? I suppose that would be a stretch to settle for that explanation. I’ll continue on to Psalm 55.
It appears the common denominator, so far, is the strong declaration of innocence paired with an equally strong trust and confidence in God to protect and defend.
Psalm 58 seems to have a different focus than the first three imprecatory Psalms. In Psalm 58, I see a fierce desire for revenge against the unjust, who are in a position of authority over others and take advantage of them. David seems to have no regard for such people as ever having had a compassionate bone in their body. As I ponder all of this, something occurred to me. David was a warrior king. He could take care of his own enemies, quite handily, as could any one of his mighty men of valor! So, why did he pray to God to come and fight for him?
Maybe Psalm 59 answers why to some degree. Maybe David prayed imprecatory prayers because he was trying to be obedient to God in not touching God’s anointed. Perhaps that extends also to those sent by the anointed. But David also prayed that God would punish all the nations. It appears that his motive for this was for God to demonstrate His supremacy and sovereignty through His punishment of Israel’s enemies but to not kill the enemies lest the Israelites forget Who sustains them and protects them. So though Psalm 59 is an imprecatory Psalm, it seems to be a noble Psalm; prayed with noble motives.
Psalm 69 seems to pertain to Israelites. David is concerned that his own folly will cause others to stumble and not be blessed. But he is also anxious that those who persecute the wounded and hurting will receive their just reward – which, according to David, will be eternal death – blotted out of the book of life. To be blotted out, one must first be in it, which is why it seems to pertain to Israelites, to me.
Psalm 79 is by Asaph (wasn’t he a music director in David’s reign?) which focuses on calling upon God to honor the covenant between Him and Israel. He appeals to God to rescue Israel by defining the destruction of the generation as being the destruction of Jacob. He appeals to God to consider the assault on His people to be a direct assault on Him. He appeals to God to turn the anger He has against Israel rather against Israel’s enemies and to throw in their laps, sevenfold of what they have dished out to Israel, which is then a direct assault on God. One can feel the urgency, the tortured soul, and the anxiousness for God to contend with Israel’s enemies.
Psalm 109 puts us back in David’s prayers. Only a few of David’s Psalms indicate the occasion for which they were written. This one does not so indicate. However, if I may be so bold as to suggest a possible occasion; when his cousin, Joab murdered Abner. Joab was the son of David’s eldest sister. Yet, compare the words of Psalm 109 to 2 Samuel 3:28 – 39. As you read the words of Psalm 109, a strong sense of pain, anguish and the desire for justice is realized. As I was reading this, I thought about the events surrounding the murder of Abner and how it is recorded that David responded. I also thought about, earlier I stated that in the New Testament, we have the instruction to pray for our enemies – to love them, even. As I read Psalm 109, I remembered that in the Old Testament, they had the instruction that vengeance belonged to The Lord, that He would repay. Perhaps that is why they were not uncomfortable with imprecatory prayers. Perhaps to pray an imprecatory prayer was actually being obedient in that rather than taking matters into their own hands when they felt the need for vengeance, they took it directly to God. Perhaps, the practice of praying imprecatory prayers enabled the Israelites to empty the vengeance out of their hearts and turn it over to God.
Psalm 137 seems apparent that it was written during the Babylonia captivity. I’m disappointed that it does not tell us the author. Inquiring minds want to know! This Psalm is burning with pain, an overwhelming sense of loss and anger. It reads as though it was interrupted because it ends so abruptly. It is difficult for me to fathom the ability to even desire harm on children, even children of one’s enemies. I think that such a statement is indicative of the intensity of their anguish. It seems an unusual ending to a Psalm, even an imprecatory Psalm.
This now brings us again to Psalm 139, my imprecatory Psalm of choice for this week’s exercise. This one puzzles me. It is so full of praise, adoration and awe for and of God. And inserted, almost ADD-ishly, are four verses that are imprecatory. “If only You would…” What did David mean, “If only You would slay the wicked…”? Why would he make such a statement? If only God would slay the wicked, then the world would be perfect? Then David’s love for God would be perfect? Then, what? Then he could focus on God without distractions?
Well, I conclude that imprecatory prayers were, in fact, acts of obedience to God that vengeance was His, He would repay. Since David was the primary author of the imprecatory Psalms, I conclude that David emptied the vengeance from his heart, turned it over to God and left it in His hands. I believe that David did not concern himself with whether God answered such prayers in the manner that David requested or if He elected to show mercy. Perhaps David remembered the words that God spoke to Moses; “I will have mercy on whom I will have mercy and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” Perhaps imprecatory prayers served the same purpose as forgiveness – benefiting the one uttering the prayer by emptying out that one’s heart of the desire for vengeance as forgiveness empties the heart of the forgiver of the same thing, the desire for vengeance or justice or even the acknowledgment of wrong-doing by the offender.
I visited, briefly, with a friend regarding our assignment this week. I told her how I had redefined imprecatory to mean something that I could accept – but that seeing it written, I had to accept the true meaning of imprecatory and imprecatory Psalms. I confessed to her that I was wrestling with the concept. She did not seem to have a problem with praying an imprecatory prayer. I asked how she balanced that with Matthew 5 beginning in verse 44:
“You have heard it said, ‘Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your brothers, what are you doing more than others? Do not even the pagans do that? Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Or what about Luke 6 beginning in verse 27:
But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.
If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners’, expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.
I may as well tell you, there are a few people in my life with whom I’ve had… shall we call them, ‘encounters’? I have been convicted in my heart to try to emulate The Father and while I have complained about these people to God in prayer, I have then calmed down while in prayer and finished by asking Him to bless these people. Now, I don’t share this as a way to boast or place myself holier than anyone. My motives for this are two-fold. One is that I do desire to please God and what I read in Matthew and Luke indicates to me that such behavior is pleasing to Him. The other is that I have learned that forgiving someone is not really for the offenders benefit as much as it is for the one who needs to forgive. When one forgives, it releases him or her to let go, be free, of the issue, the situation, the circumstance that wounded or offended him or her. It does not absolve the one in the wrong. It does not free the offender from responsibility for his or her actions. It frees the one forgiving from carrying that excess baggage around to fester and weigh him or her down – thereby, adding to the original offense by robbing him or her of the joy and peace that comes from practicing forgiveness. I have had more than a little chaos, turmoil and unpleasantness in my life that I carried for many years. Finally able to forgive and let it go has made such a difference in my life that I no longer feel I have to ‘bid my time’ and wait for the offender to ‘get what’s coming to him or to her’. Therefore, I am really wrestling with the concept of imprecatory prayer.
After saying all of that, the thought occurred to me, we were not told to pray an imprecatory prayer. We were instructed to read an imprecatory Psalm and report our experiences back in our next class. So far, mine appears to be wrestling and struggling with this concept.
I still have more splintered thoughts that I will address as we continue on this topic tomorrow and the remainder of the week.
Meanwhile, it occurred to me last night, I forgot to find a Psalm to pray (unless I stick with Psalm 67) and I forgot to find one to memorize. I have not decided whether to continue with the prior week’s assignments or just focus on this week’s assignment.
Our assignment for this week is to find an imprecatory Psalm, read it three times per day and report back our experiences from doing this exercise. I am not sure about this exercise. Not because I am uncomfortable with using such language with God, but because I am uncomfortable with using such language with God when that is not the way I feel. However, I decided that I would focus on this exercise and try to write about it through out the week. I don’t know if each day I will be able to find something to share about the same Psalm, but I will give it my best shot. I will just try to keep my mind, heart and ears open and receptive – perhaps The Spirit will have a lesson to teach me from this exercise.
I will also attempt to resume the previous assignments – pray a Psalm and memorize a Psalm. I didn’t attempt to memorize a Psalm last week. I only prayed Psalm 67 that one day. So I need to apply a little more effort to remember to do these exercises and then to carry them out.
Now, as for my imprecatory Psalm – I have selected Psalm 13 which states:
How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,” and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, for he has been good to me.
Okay, never mind… I can’t use Psalm 13. It is not an imprecatory Psalm. I looked up imprecatory Psalms on the internet just now and it states that Psalms 7, 35, 55, 58, 59, 69, 79, 109, 137 and 139 either are or contain imprecatory prayers… which is to invoke evil or curses upon one’s enemies – to call upon God to judge one’s enemies.
Oh. In that case, I have not ever prayed an imprecatory prayer! I have prayed prayers in which I complained to God about someone or something that someone did. I have prayed prayers in which I have bemoaned my plight in a specific situation. But I have tried to follow the words in the New Testament, to pray for those who abuse you and persecute you. I suppose I would feel as though I were sinning to pray that God judge someone who had wronged me. Who am I to ask God to judge that person when He so graciously withheld His judgement from me for the wrongs I have done?! This is indeed going to be a difficult assignment! Apparently, when the imprecatory Psalm was defined and discussed in class, I redefined it and took it to mean using strong language to God about one’s situation or circumstances. And by strong language, I considered Psalm 13 to be an imprecatory Psalm… but, it’s not.
Since I have to select a different Psalm, I’ll go with Psalm 139.
O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me; your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! Were I to count them they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you. If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men! They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name. Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you? I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
Okay, I can handle this one – for the most part. Well, technically, only a few verses are imprecatory. That’s the best I can do. Because the few verses that are imprecatory are actually being so towards God’s enemies. It sets better with me to make an imprecatory statement about one of God’s enemies as opposed to asking God to bring judgment on someone who has wronged me or abused me.
My first observation about the imprecatory Psalms is this – back when these were written, the Israelites were the chosen of God. They were God’s people. Because of what Jesus accomplished through His death and resurrection, the offer for ‘sonship’ is extended to everyone now. Therefore, now, anyone and everyone is potentially your brother or your sister in Christ and even if he or she currently is not, you now have the awareness that Christ died for that person as well as for you. Therefore, how can one pray an imprecatory prayer on one’s ‘enemies’?
I can almost see doing so during wartime. Even then, however, I find it difficult. Now, don’t take that to mean that I do not support American troops! I most certainly do support American troops! That doesn’t mean that I have to like that our opponents are killed.
Wow, my thoughts are just splintering off so many directions. I’m going to have to give this more consideration! I’ll say it again; this is indeed a difficult assignment this week!
Today's experience began yesterday. In my profile I state that I am a receptionist and also a small business owner. I create customized, musical, moving photo montages of people's life experiences. I've been in business for over one year. Up until my current client, I have never messed a deadline with a show. I have two shows ready for preview for one client. However, I am one week behind getting the previews to him. Typically, I have several options available for creating a preview. I can burn an executable CD. I can save to a flash drive. I can upload to YouTube. I can email the preview to the client. The only option I have not tried is scheduling an appointment for my client to come to my home and preview the shows on my computer. Yesterday, I labored until 1:30 a.m. this morning, still trying to upload the shows to YouTube. I have two flash drive devices. I found one and tried loading the shows onto my Cruzer. They would not load nor would they upload to YouTube. Suffice it to say, I am more than a little stressed. This is not the only stress factor in my life at the current, but the one taking the bulk of my attention.
So it was that I awoke late this morning. In the habit of awakening at 5:00 a.m., I awoke at 7:30 a.m. I am in the habit of having two cups of coffee each morning before getting ready for work, for church or just for a leisurely day at home. I was not in a good frame of mind. Yesterday's stress combined with awakening so late did not make for an excellent or even an acceptable start to my day. I was not motivated to get ready to go to church. I was not in the worshipping, sharing, friendly state of mind. I didn't even do my Heartlight subscription reading or praying this morning.
I got up, had one cup of coffee and felt the fiercely strong temptation to stay home from worship today. I reasoned that I had so much to do. I could not accept two weeks late on my delivery to my client so I could stay home and try to resolve the issue that has been plaguing me for the past week.
My Daughter, her Husband and their four children live with me. I watched and listened as they prepared to leave for worship this morning. I continued to struggle, still sipping on my first cup of coffee.
Finally, at the last possible minute before it would be 'too late', I got up and begrudingly got ready to leave for worship. I felt, somewhere, very deey inside of me, a twinge of desire to attend services. I pushed and soon found myself in route to church.
I listened in class as we studied about how to talk to God, using the Psalms as our guide. I listened as Psalm 88 was read aloud and used as a teaching tool to be free to share anything with God, even our despair, our anger, our frustration, etc. I had not had a problem with sharing such things before. Still I sat and listened, remaining, for the most part, detached.
I was cordial, friendly and even joked a little during our time for visiting before the hour of worship began. I then listened as our preacher talked about "What's Next" for us as whole and for us individually. I participated in singing and followed along in scripture reading. I did not have a moment of overflowing that provoked love-tears this morning. I did, however, have a sense of peacefullness. I felt calmness replace anxiety. Quietness replaced the roar of stress in my thoughts.
My Daughter and her family remained behind after services for a fellowship luncheon with their young group and visitors and anyone else who wished to stay. I elected to go home. I entered the quiet house and looked around, wondering where to begin; what to do first. I decided to pour myself my second cup of coffee. Now, alone with my thoughts, my second cup of coffee and The Crossing playing on the radio on my computer, I am so glad I paused between my cups of coffee this morning to be where I most needed to be!
This morning found me reflecting on my life. I suppose it was triggered by stumbling across, yesterday, someone dear to me with whom I have not been in contact in over thirty years. Two people, actually. The online reunion caused me to reflect on a lot of things. One of which is remembering how the adults used to comment on how fast time passes as one gets older. I used to wonder about such a statement and quickly shrug it off. Of course, now I’m in my fifties and realize that they were right.
Another cause for pause was my Christian life. For me, as a teenager, Christianity was not a priority. It was something that the older folks pressed on teenagers that robbed all the joy and fun out of life. I had been raised with an atheist and a Christian who was remarkably good at hiding her Christianity. I didn’t know until I was an adult that she professed to be a Christian. So when the state took me from her home and placed me in a Christian-run children’s home, it was quite a shock to me – such a different lifestyle and way of thinking that did not mesh well with my thinking. Yet, one cannot attend every Sunday morning and evening and again on Wednesday night and not learn something or not be affected by the teaching I received. If having faith was important to other teens when I was a teen, it wasn’t readily apparent. In fact, quite the contrary seemed to be the case. If one felt compelled to believe, it seems most of us must have elected to keep such decisions and thoughts to ourselves.
Therefore, it is pleasantly amazing to me to now come in contact with several from that time of my life and discover that they proudly display, profess, reveal their Christianity! I wonder about their experiences. My faith was a struggle from the beginning. I had to first decide whether I believed that the Bible truly is the Word of God. Once convinced of that, I began reading in earnest and immediately was convicted of the sin in my life. At times, I felt overwhelmed and almost regretted my decision to pursue a life pleasing to God, for from what I read, He was very difficult if not impossible to please! My motivation, in the beginning, was to avoid going to eternal punishment and separation from God. So many years have passed since then and I am aware of the process and struggle for my faith and understanding to grow in Him. I carried so much baggage from a troubled childhood that so much had to be overcome, so much had to be healed in my heart before I could truly accept that God loved me, yes even me! Definitions had to be rewritten, like “Jenney”, “family”, “love”, and ultimately, “God”. Through His work in my heart, He moved me from seeing Him as the judge with a gavel to, loving, gracious, merciful Father.
Part of me regrets that it has taken me so long to learn what I have so far learned. I desire to be in service to Him… to please Him by loving as He loves, by giving as He gives, by seeing others as He sees them and having compassion as He has compassion. If only I had learned how to love Him years ago; where I could be now in my service to Him! I am so grateful that He has moved me from a fear-based faith to one of a love-response and gratitude. It is my hope and prayer that He will allow me enough more time in this life to be useful to Him in helping and reaching others. I desire to make Him smile, to give Him delight in me. I desire to grow more and more that I am less focused on my personal growth and more focused on others – to be His love, His hands, His voice, His words… to touch others as He has touched me through others! He so fills my heart with such joy, such love, such wonder that I so want to share that with others; especially with those I see struggling, trying to accept and embrace that He truly does love them personally! This is just too good to keep to myself!
Rows and flows of angel hair,
And ice cream castles in the air,
And feather canyons everywhere,
I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the Sun,
They rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done,
But clouds got in my way.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
From up and down, and still somehow,
It's cloud illusions I recall,
I really don't know clouds, at all.
You may recognize these lines from a song by Joni Mitchell - Both Sides Now.
I share this because I want to share something I see about clouds. Let me begin with a question. Is there anything that causes you to pause when you see or experience it and you just try to bask in or soak up the moment? Something that immediately turns your thoughts and heart to God? Something that just snatches up your heart and spirit and sends them soaring, full of love and awe and wonder? For me, that something is clouds. Not just any clouds.
I left my cell phone on the charger at home this morning, otherwise, I would go to the door of the office and point it out and up at the sky to record the clouds I watched as they drifted passed. They were light to medium gray on the undersides (carrying rain) and fluffy or puffy on top - moving as though they had a specific destination in mind.
When I see that, I have to stop what I'm doing and just watch! It takes my breath away! My eyes fill with love-tears and I bask in and soak up the wonder of the moment! It's as though I view such clouds moving across the face of the earth as The Spirit of God moving across the face of the earth. Maybe it causes me to visualize the creation scene. Maybe it's just knowing that He hovers over us in love, mercy, grace, compassion - ever drawing us unto Him. Maybe it reminds me of His work in our hearts to remold, bend, reshape our hearts to reform us into the likeness of Jesus!
What ever it is, it captures me. I feel as though I've received a sweet embrace. My heart is filled to overflowing, as are my eyes! And I say in my heart, oh how I love You, Lord! My Father! My Savior! My Guiding Spirit! Please teach me to love You more!
