Reflections

This morning found me reflecting on my life. I suppose it was triggered by stumbling across, yesterday, someone dear to me with whom I have not been in contact in over thirty years. Two people, actually. The online reunion caused me to reflect on a lot of things. One of which is remembering how the adults used to comment on how fast time passes as one gets older. I used to wonder about such a statement and quickly shrug it off. Of course, now I’m in my fifties and realize that they were right.


Another cause for pause was my Christian life. For me, as a teenager, Christianity was not a priority. It was something that the older folks pressed on teenagers that robbed all the joy and fun out of life. I had been raised with an atheist and a Christian who was remarkably good at hiding her Christianity. I didn’t know until I was an adult that she professed to be a Christian. So when the state took me from her home and placed me in a Christian-run children’s home, it was quite a shock to me – such a different lifestyle and way of thinking that did not mesh well with my thinking. Yet, one cannot attend every Sunday morning and evening and again on Wednesday night and not learn something or not be affected by the teaching I received. If having faith was important to other teens when I was a teen, it wasn’t readily apparent. In fact, quite the contrary seemed to be the case. If one felt compelled to believe, it seems most of us must have elected to keep such decisions and thoughts to ourselves.

Therefore, it is pleasantly amazing to me to now come in contact with several from that time of my life and discover that they proudly display, profess, reveal their Christianity! I wonder about their experiences. My faith was a struggle from the beginning. I had to first decide whether I believed that the Bible truly is the Word of God. Once convinced of that, I began reading in earnest and immediately was convicted of the sin in my life. At times, I felt overwhelmed and almost regretted my decision to pursue a life pleasing to God, for from what I read, He was very difficult if not impossible to please! My motivation, in the beginning, was to avoid going to eternal punishment and separation from God. So many years have passed since then and I am aware of the process and struggle for my faith and understanding to grow in Him. I carried so much baggage from a troubled childhood that so much had to be overcome, so much had to be healed in my heart before I could truly accept that God loved me, yes even me! Definitions had to be rewritten, like “Jenney”, “family”, “love”, and ultimately, “God”. Through His work in my heart, He moved me from seeing Him as the judge with a gavel to, loving, gracious, merciful Father.

Part of me regrets that it has taken me so long to learn what I have so far learned. I desire to be in service to Him… to please Him by loving as He loves, by giving as He gives, by seeing others as He sees them and having compassion as He has compassion. If only I had learned how to love Him years ago; where I could be now in my service to Him! I am so grateful that He has moved me from a fear-based faith to one of a love-response and gratitude. It is my hope and prayer that He will allow me enough more time in this life to be useful to Him in helping and reaching others. I desire to make Him smile, to give Him delight in me. I desire to grow more and more that I am less focused on my personal growth and more focused on others – to be His love, His hands, His voice, His words… to touch others as He has touched me through others! He so fills my heart with such joy, such love, such wonder that I so want to share that with others; especially with those I see struggling, trying to accept and embrace that He truly does love them personally! This is just too good to keep to myself!