And I Breathe

Everyone waits for my next post, anticipating perhaps some deep insight in regards to my experience with the death of the woman who abused me for so many years – the same woman who I had gone to visit just last year and about whom I wrote I had forgiven.  What everyone does not know is that my life now seems to me that it has been like walking through a gallery, familiar with every image along the walls, and I have forgiven the culprit who caused the events displayed in those images in regards to each specific event.  I could walk through that gallery, and had numerous times, and knew what to expect – which image would next come into view.

Suddenly, my gallery changed when Norma Jean died in July – almost exactly a year to the day that I had gone to see her.  Suddenly there were new images that I immediately recognize, but about which I have long forgotten.  And now, I am acutely aware of images hanging in my gallery which are draped with black cloths, just waiting.  I stand at the end of the gallery and dare not move lest the slightest breeze cause one of the drapes to slide from its frame and reveal some stale secret.

So to those who wait for a new jewel to come from my most recent experience, your wait, for now, must continue.  But I will leave you with this – I do believe that there will be another jewel, possibly more, but like waiting for a diamond, such jewels take time.  Right now, I stand and breathe.  But I stand.  And I breathe.

Then There Were Tears

After the graveside service where her remains were displayed like a box of donuts on a stand (she was cremated and the box containing her ashes resembled that of a donut box or perhaps a box for a floral corsage), the family found a restaurant and pulled several tables together to seat the 17 of us.  Those we were not expecting brought family photos, or memorabilia and stories. Looking at the photo I've included, the second man from the left in the glasses, no hat looks so much like our Grandpa that we couldn't stop staring at him.  Everyone laughed and shared stories of various family members and of Norma Jean - who, they all remembered, hated being called "Norma Jean".  For the first time ever, being with them actually felt like being with family to me.  We shared a common  understanding about a particular member of the family and no one questioned that understanding or the validity of it.  I received warm smiles and hugs from everyone after the meal was over and we all went our separate ways.  They all agreed to pose for this photo on my request.  And they invited me to come and visit them any time.  It was amazing.
The ride back to Coleman was so hot (we couldn't get the blower to come on) that I was so focused on that, not much else penetrated my senses.  We got home and Steph rested before having to go to work and the afternoon and evening were spent visiting with Clinton and his family.  But eventually, they too went home.  Steph was still at work and I sat quietly in the living room alone... and I felt the first twinge of grief.  It hit like a bowling ball thrown at my chest.  After Steph got home from work we talked about Norma Jean.  I talked about the conversation I'd had with Kimberley on our way home.  Kimberley had asked if I would be upset, if, when I went to heaven, that Norma Jean was there.  (Before I reveal my response, let me just say, my grandchildren are not aware of the specifics of what happened when I lived with Norma Jean.  They know she had adopted me, she was mean, and that the court took me away from her, that's how I ended up living in the children's home.)  I answered that I would not be upset.  I told her that I was not happy that Norma Jean had died.  And that I did not want her to suffer for all eternity.  And I laughingly added that I believe that God would probably not put our mansions next to one another.  I also told her that what happened to her now was between her and God.   As I related all of this to Steph, I added that if she was not in heaven, I do not believe that it would be due to what she did to me or to anyone else for that matter.  It would be for what she did not do in her relationship with God.  (I hadn't realized that this funeral was the first funeral my granddaughters had ever attended.  Thomas was not there, he stayed in Coleman at his uncle's.  So Kimberley had a lot of questions.)
The cousins and I had agreed to take a break from going through Norma Jean's belongings.  As I already stated, I came home and visited with my family and they went to Bowser to visit other family graves and to drive by what used to be the family farm.  We also agreed to meet back over at Norma Jean's house the following day to get as much done as possible before they had to return to their homes on Monday (today).  We agreed to an early start and I left my home in Coleman around 7:00 to head back to Brady for the 4th day in a row.  It was on that drive back to Brady, after the services were over, family members (except for the two cousins) had all gone home and it hit again.  It felt as though I could hardly breathe.  I heard grief moaning from deep in my throat.  No words, just groans.  Tears blurred my eyes and wet my cheeks as I felt my hands shaking on the wheel.  I had to drive passed the cemetery on my way in, so I pulled in and drove right over to her grave site.  I got out of my car and as I did, gasps of grief erupted from my chest.  I walked over and brushed loose dirt off  her headstone.  Carole had put yellow silk roses on her grave.  I stood there and asked, "Where are you?"  I don't want her to suffer for all of eternity.  But it's too late... too late to change the outcome... it's been decided, what ever it may be.  I realized I had been looking for proof of an intimate relationship with God as I thumbed through the pages of several bibles found in her house.  I found notes for medicines for her mother.  I found song lyrics of some of her favorite old country and western songs.  But I did not find what I was looking for... evidence, proof.  It was too late to worry about it now.  And I wondered if I was at fault.  Did I give up too easily last year?  Was it too easy for me to tell myself that she was too far gone and she was already unreachable?  Could I have made a difference in the outcome of where she is now? 
Don't think that in me saying that that I am assuming that she is in torment.  What I am saying is that IF that's where she is, could I have influenced a change in That outcome?  Did I give up too easily and walk away?  I pulled a yellow rose from her bouquet and took it with me.  It's still laying on the dash of my car.
When the cousins got over to her house, we talked.  I told them that I was feeling twinges and as I started trying to share with them all that I've just written here, I choked up and began weeping... or, I refer to it as leaking.  Gay spoke up and told me that she had watched me from the first day dig and search through every piece of paper, every photograph.  She said she knew what I was looking for - proof, evidence, something to indicate that she did care about me.  When she said that, I couldn't contain my emotion.  Gay said that her advice to me was to let it go.  I would not find the proof that I so desired and craved.  It simply was not there.  And, she's right.  It's not there.  There are so few photos of me and even the letter I wrote to her last year has not been found, yet there are letters dating back in the 40's and receipts for her ice cream dating two years ago or longer!  Receipts for ice cream and no evidence of me?  That  hurts.  But she's right.  I already knew... I knew when I lived with her, I knew when I was still influenced by her though living apart, I knew when I visited her last year, I knew before the reading of the will.  This comes as no surprise.  Still, the fact remains that it is a fact and it hurts.  But there's so few photos of Any of her family - whether me, her own parents, brother, nieces, cousins.  There were thousands of photos of her dogs and hundreds of photos of her.  No family portraits hung on the wall unless they were of her.  No frame photos anywhere with the exception of one framed photo of her mother's sister on the bedside table in the back bedroom.  Albums full of photos of either her or her dogs or both.  Stacks and stacks of photos of her and of her dogs. 
So, there are occasionally tears of grief.  Grief that I meant so little to her.  Grief that, what could have been never was and now it's too late.  As I found more evidence of her influence on my life (our handwriting is almost identical, we shared the same taste in house robes, some jewelry and some other similarities) I had to deal with those things as now evidence of her influence on me... but it's also evidence of my desire to be accepted and loved by her... in other words, despite every effort (often deliberate) not to, I loved her.  And... then there were tears.

No Tears

It's no secret that I have not posted in quite some time.  The move is not completely over - it's being quite drawn out and that drawing out was contributing to my frame of mind that prevented me from posting.  I had just determined to fight that frame of mind more aggressively and not allow depression to defeat me when I got the call.  My friend had found Norma Jean's obituary in the paper.  I was stunned into silence.  I had not taken the call because when I'm depressed I don't feel like talking to anyone so I didn't answer my phone.  But I checked my voice mail that she had left me and sat stunned... but, no tears. 
I called her back later and got the information as to where she was taken.  I called for information regarding her services.  When I asked why they said there may not be any services, they said it was due to not being able to find her next of kin.  I told them that I knew her brother had died in 2003 and she had no other siblings.  But he had three daughters and I did not know their last names or where they lived.  Later I called back and reluctantly confessed that I might be her next of kin if still considered her adopted daughter.  They took my contact information and gave me the contact information of two of her nieces.  I called and the one known to me as Sissy called back on a conference for her older sister, Gay, herself and me.  We had about a one and a half hour reunion over the phone.  When they asked what had happened between me and their aunt - I gave them the condensed version but also gave a couple of examples of why the court took me away from her.  They were so apologetic, so compassionate, understanding and seemed to know (though not of the specifics) that it had to be something bad.  Their family had known her as crazy Jean for a long time and used to laugh about it.  Until they got older and started noticing that she was mean, cruel, vindictive and loved to torment everyone, including them and their dad (Norma Jean's own brother).  We shared memories and experiences, and for Norma Jean, there were no tears.
We began the process of going through her house looking for a will.  We found it on the first day.  But the process was slow and it makes sense that the will was found by my Daughter who wasn't taking so long, reading every note she wrote, looking at every photo for much longer than a glance.  We were looking at her life, pieces of it that we found stacked, tucked and strawn all over the house.  We were talking and sharing memories of their aunt and for several years of my life, my... my... my momma.  When one found a large bag full of jewlery just before we decided to call it quits for the day, I told them I was eager to sort throught that bag.  I wanted to see if I could find the wedding rings I'd accussed her of stealing from me 33 years ago.  I described to them how the rings looked.  Then as my Daughter and I drove home it occurred to me that for Norma Jean, there still had been no tears.
Gay called me shortly after we got home.  They had found the rings - my wedding rings stolen 33 years earlier.  While Steph and I were driving home, they went by the funeral home.  The funeral director gave them an envelope containing what she had on her when she died.  When they poured out the contents, they recognized by my description, the rings to be my wedding rings.  Two of her nieces and I met at the attorney's office the next morning before going back over to her house again, repeating the process of looking at every piece of paper, no matter how small, reading everything, looking at every photo and sorting through her belongings.  More memories, more stories shared, and still no tears for Norma Jean.
The next day was Saturday.  We were having graveside services for her at 10:00 a.m. and agreed to meet there and forego sorting through her belonging for one day.  We were more than surprised at the turn out at her funeral.  More family members showed up from Richland Springs and San Saba.  They reintroduced themselves to me.  I had felt duty-bound, being considered the daughter, to greet those who had pulled up behind us at the cemetary (we were waiting there to determine where to go as no one knew where her plot was located).  I was amazed at the reception I received from those family members.  There was no accusation, no judgement, no shame on you for abandoning her all these years - as though, they too knew.  She had neighbors show up at her funeral - who were blatantly judgmental, rude and accusatory, not just of me but of all of her family.  From them, I saw tears.  But from her family members, I glanced around, and there still were no tears for Norma Jean.

Complete Confidence

When everything else feels wrong, something needs to be right.  We need that, don't we; that glimmer of hope, a thread of hope, any semblance of hope on which to cling.  You have to find that something right every day sometimes.  It's not always the same thing.  Some days it's merely the fact that the sun came up after several days, weeks, perhaps months of clouds.  Some days it's a perfectly timed phone call from a dear friend or loved one.  Some days it may be a moment with your cup of coffee while hearing the birds singing their morning song of thanks and praise.  Some days it may be the arms of a child wrapped around your neck.  Some days it may be the complete acceptance of your pet as it lays it's head on your leg to receive your affection.  It can be anything that you can think of that on the right day, at the right time makes your heart fill with love and gratitude and makes your spirit sigh and proclaim, all is right with the world... or at least proclaim, there's still hope.
Don't think me down, blue or discouraged today.  Quite the contrary.  My inspiration today comes from the variety of responses I've seen and heard to today's date - February 14.  There are those thrilled with the day and will buy the pretty cards and boxes of chocolates - some go for the more expensive Valentine's Day items like diamonds or even cars.  There are those that proclaim this day as so commercial it is anti-love and anti-romantic.  There are those who suffered the sting of loss too recently than for this day to be nothing but a painful reminder of that loss.  There are those missing a loved one whose job has taken him or her to another country - perhaps constantly in danger.  There are those who have sworn off of love forever and those who vow that they will love again.
I couldn't help wondering if there are those who find it difficult to find that one thing today that helps them to believe, hope is still alive.  I have found myself in so many of the categories I listed that my heart goes out to those who dreaded today's dawn and for whom this day cannot end quickly enough.  I suppose those are the one's who are my true inspiration for what I write today.  Because I want them to believe, to hold on, to find something today that touches their wounded or aching hearts and let's them know - today's sun will set like it did all the days before, and unless The Lord comes today or changes something drastically, it will rise again tomorrow.  And because of what you are going through, what you are feeling, today more than most days, The Lord is so tender toward you, is even nearer... it's only the clouds covering the sun that keeps you from seeing that He's there.  So just like you know the sun is there on a cloudy day and await for it to rise again through a stormy night, know that He is there full of love and grace abounding for you!  On days like today, you may have to look a little closer, try a little harder to find that hope but just remember He is The One Who has promised that He will never leave you or forsake you!  I have suffered enough and healed enough to confidently attest to that truth!  If there is only one sure thing for you today, you can stand on that fact with complete confidence!

Sweet Blessings!

For the past week I have given much thought to relating the most recent events.  It has taken some time for me to process everything!  I am astounded, in awe, amazed... and for the past week I have been speechless!
A little background information may help you grasp the impact of what has recently happened so, let's begin with that information.  For the past nine years my Daughter, her husband and their growing family have lived with me in my two-bedroom house.  When we first moved in together, they numbered four and it was just me alone - so five people in a two-bedroom house.  Their number grew to six while I remained at one until a few months ago when a friend of mine who had lost her job moved in to room with me temporarily.  We expanded to a household of eight in a two-bedroom house.
Recently, my Son-in-law was blessed with a very good position making considerably more money.  He presented that we should consider renting a larger house.  Now the two-bedroom house is in my name and it is nearly paid off.  However, aside from the over crowding, it needs considerable, serious attention.  Local utility companies began writing letters to me to get the house up to code, the floors were rotten and we were constantly getting splinters in our feet.  We had to remove the cabinet doors from the kitchen cupboards because they were more of a decorative size than for dishes or the usual kitchen items.  It was cold in the winter and hot in the summer.  I could continue with a long list of what was wrong with that house, but it would be faster to say, it had served its purpose and was overdue for retirement.  It was the first... only house I have ever owned.  The taxes, repairs, more repairs, and more repairs we put into that place really worked our budgets over mercilessly.  I decided that for a single woman on my meager income, home ownership was not all that it was cracked up to be.  I agreed with my Son-in-law when he proposed looking for a larger house to rent.
We were looking but not avidly.  It was more like keeping our ear to the ground, sort of thing.  My Daughter and Son-in-Law were on their way to Abilene to do some shopping when they had to stop off at his brother's house in Coleman as a favor for his Mother.  Their Sister-in-law mentioned a house around the corner from them that was for rent.  She thought it had four bedrooms.  My Daughter and Son-in-law decided to check it out and it turned out that it has five bedrooms, three baths, a decent living room, dining, kitchen, breakfast nook and laundry room.  It obviously needs a lot of cosmetic repairs but it seems structurally sound.  So they returned home and talked to me about it.
It is my nature to resist change.  My immediate reaction was, no, I did not want to move to Coleman.  My Daughter, knowing a little something about me, presented the proposition by asking me how I would like to quit my job and stay home.  That little something that she knows is that I am domestic by nature and much prefer that lifestyle than to work - even the six-hours-a-day that I am working.  She caught my attention - not that I would seriously take her up on it, but I was intrigued as to why she thought she could make such an offer.  I listened to her enthusiastically tell me about the house.  Then her Husband came in and picked up where she left off - again, with much enthusiasm.  They both made it clear that they wanted me to move with them - even offering me the master bedroom with private bath.  They told me it would be large enough to hold my home office, my full-size bed, the twin bed my friend is sleeping on, my treadmill, my chest, my sewing machine and still have room to spare.  We all agreed to drive to Coleman the next day (which was conveniently, a Saturday) to look at the house and make a decision together.
I was amazed at the size of the house - coming from a cramped two-bedroom, it looked huge!  We walked through looking and talking about the cosmetic issues.  The landlord did not pretend that it would not be an issue that it needs cosmetic repairs and offered to supply the materials and knock off of the rent for the labor if my Son-in-law did the repairs.  He also said that there would be a rent-to-buy option in the lease agreement.  The house is a little more than a block away from the school - and when I say school, I mean from Kindergarten all the way through High School.  They are in separate buildings, but on the same campus.
We decided that Saturday to take the house.  The enthusiasm they had for getting moved 35 miles away would almost make your head spin!  We had about 80% of everything moved by the following Wednesday when we went to bed that night in our new residence!  This Wednesday we will be in there one week.  We still  have about 10% remaining in my old house to pack and carry.  Then we will clean up my old house and property and I will eventually put it on the market - although I don't think it wise to try to sell it as a house for a residence.  It would be best marketed as investment property for someone to tear down and rebuild on the nice size lot.
We have heard stories from those we know of how they or someone they knew stumbled upon a sweet deal such as this and have longed for it to be us.  You could say that we happened to be in the right place at the right time that this time the sweet deal is ours but how we see it is; God orchestrated for us to be in the right place at the right time and blessed us with this sweet deal!
There's more, but some of this enormous blessing was a monetary gift by an anonymous "Christian Friend" (which is how the card was signed) and to say any more than that would be saying too much other than saying it was an unexpected and very generous blessing!  I am amazed!  To be so loved, so cherished, so treasured by my Father in heaven!  Amazing sweet blessings!

...Comes Much Responsibility

My inspiration today comes from the weather - it's unseasonably warm.  I learned a lot from my ex-husband who was a dairy farmer.  Unseasonably warm temperatures is potentially hazardous to crops, especially fruit trees.  Unseasonably warm temperatures can cause premature budding and the buds become vulnerable to the inevitable freeze that (in this part of the country) typically comes just before or right around Easter.
As I wiped my brow this morning and gazed at the rain clouds rushing by overhead - too high to benefit this immediate area - the thought occurred to me that with knowledge (information) comes much responsibility.  I immediately felt it my duty to pray in behalf of the farmers and anyone who owns a fruit tree, for the protection and preservation of their crop and thereby, their income.
That, in turn, led to another sense of responsibility.  I repeated to myself that with knowledge (about something - anything) comes much responsibility.  I applied that to a particular scenario.  Suppose someone learns of a potentially hazardous situation in which someone is doing something harmful that could adversely affect that individual and everyone with whom he or she works.  What is that one's responsibility?  If that one keeps quiet about it, wouldn't that one be just as responsible for any harm that might come to anyone working with the individual that is doing something harmful?  Why does knowledge come to anyone if not for that one to have the opportunity to do something with that knowledge?
Today, it is so easy for people to resist getting involved.  No one wants to make waves.  No one wants to "create a problem where there isn't one" - when what they really mean is, "nothing bad has happened yet, keep your mouth shut".  But shouldn't having such knowledge put the recipient of that knowledge in the position to do something to prevent something bad from happening?  Along with knowledge comes much responsibility.
Regarding my inspiration for this topic, I have no control over the weather.  Should I be concerned about the crops of some unknown farmer or individuals?  Along with knowledge comes much responsibility.  I say yes.  I have this knowledge, therefore, I can do what I can do.  Since I cannot control the weather, I can talk to The One who does have that control.  Regarding the scenario - do I look the other way, it's not my problem?  Or do I have a sense of responsibility to do something to try to prevent something hazardous from potentially happening?  Along with knowledge comes much responsibility.

Accountability

Interesting - accountability.  Or, perhaps what holds one accountable or makes one conscious of accountability.  It came in an unexpected form for me today - a cross.  In our society where so many wear various crosses of all sizes, shapes and from various origins, we've almost desensitized ourselves to the cross.
I was given one recently by a Prayer Sister (the women of our congregation draw names and secretly pray for someone for several months, writing notes of encouragement, and leaving little gifts for one another until our periodical 'revealing' where we do it all over again).  The cross is too large to wear around my neck but is very beautiful.  It also seemed a bit too small to hang on a wall.  It lay on my make-up table for months while each day that I looked at it, I wondered what to do with it.
When I got my white car, I 'marked' it as mine by adorning the rear view mirror with a dream catcher.  It had three feathers hanging from the bottom.  The center feather broke and bothered me for about a week until this morning.  I decided to resolve the broken feather issue and the what to do with my pretty new cross issue at the same time. About ten minutes later I was on my way to work, my new cross dangling from my mirror and that's when I noticed it.
I confess, I am not what one might call a laid back driver.  In fact, it would not be stretching the truth to admit that there are times that my behavior behind the wheel bordered on road-rage.  I am a very impatient driver.  I managed to quit honking at people a few years ago, but have still been known to scowl fiercely at them when I felt they were delaying me or when I knew they weren't situated just right to trip the sensor at a red light.  But this morning,  I had a cross dangling in my peripheral vision that seemed to grow larger with each swing.  I became acutely aware of my responsibility as one representing herself as a child of God to conduct myself in a manner befitting a child of God!  Never before has displaying a cross had such an effect on me!
I don't recall who first told me, but someone told me that I might be the only Bible that some folks ever read.  It took a long time for me to truly absorb that concept.  It's apparent that the Holy Spirit has been at work within me since that time because now it is important to me how I portray myself to others - not because of how they will perceive me, but because of how they will perceive The Father!  It's also not a matter of feeling guilty if I conduct myself poorly and reflect a bad light on Him, it's more a matter of having a deep desire to please Him, to honor Him - from gratitude and increasingly from love.  Isn't it amazing how He will even teach us to honor and love Him!  Oh, I'm not saying I do it perfectly, I certainly do not!  But every success, regardless how small, I am keenly aware that He sees... and I imagine He smiles.

Immaturity vs Stunted Development

It's interesting and fascinating to me how something can trigger a thought that ends up completely changing your perspective on something. It can be a song, an aroma, something you hear someone say maybe not even to you but you hear it, a line in a movie - it can come from any where at any time. Such is my experience today. I have some uncongealed thoughts that I hope will solidify by the time I finish writing.

The dictionary defines immaturity as: — adj 1. not fully grown or developed 2. deficient in maturity; lacking wisdom, insight, emotional stability, etc The dictionary defines stunt as: — vb 1. ( tr ) to prevent or impede the growth or development of (a plant, animal, etc) (At least for the direction I am going with this - just bear with me, I'm sorting this out as I write.)

 As I study these two words and and their definitions, I notice that immaturity, then, could be based on the individual character while stunted growth development (referring specifically, in this case, to emotional growth and development) could be inflicted by another or external circumstances. It seems to me, then, that it would take close and careful observation to distinguish between the two. It requires more than a casual knowledge or understanding of an individual to make a determination. I believe, too, that when one is given new information about a person, one needs to check that he or she is not continuing to operate - to relate to that individual based on old information. Therefore, rewriting one's dictionary may be necessary to best interact with someone in your life whose growth has been stunted.

 However, this is not to say that someone who is immature requires less love and attention than someone who is emotionally stunted. I believe that both require generous amounts of love, compassion, patience, kindness, tenderness, even firmness. If I believe this, then why do I find it necessary to make a distinction between the two? Would it matter? Oh yes, I believe it does matter. Because the one experiencing stunted emotional development has been wounded, usually deeply wounded - psychologically, mentally, emotionally, even physically. This means that the one experiencing stunted emotional development likely has a trust issue, perhaps an abandonment issue, perhaps a variety of issues.

There is a difference when someone who has been described as lazy or lacking in motivation is then found to have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - typically associated with those who have seen combat but is not limited to them). Everything hinges on a traumatic experience in that one's life and that one tends to evaluate self and life in general through the lens of that event. I believe that such an event marks the same point at which that one suffers the onset of stunted emotional development. And I believe that how we respond to such a one should be different than how we respond to one who is a bit immature.

This is raw and rough, I know, I've typed it out as the thoughts have formed in my mind. I hope to polish this topic and be able to post about it again, soon. But for now, please consider the possibility of that someone in your life that may be suffering from stunted emotional development and consider those needs vs. the needs of someone who needs time to mature.

One so Lost

This morning I heard on the news what Demi Moore said of herself; that what scares her is that she is going to ultimately find out at the end of her life that she is really not lovable, that there is something fundamentally wrong with her. (This, by the way, is what the enemy wants us to believe about ourselves!)  The typical first response of most to such an admission is, "Her?  She has everything - had everything.  Looks, talent, Ashton..."  I can almost hear someone now proclaiming that if she had what Demi has, she would  not be depressed or ever experience self-doubt.
To me, Demi's statement affirms what I have long believed - one doesn't need to be of what society deems as mediocre to feel the sting of insecurity, of feeling inadequate, of a feeling of worthlessness.  Such feelings come from the inability to see self through His eyes or from a lack of faith to believe that it could be true that the Creator of All would notice me, much less love me!  Also typical is when one asks 'why', they look for the answer in self and see, recognize and acknowledge unworthiness for such love.  When asking 'why', the answer comes from Him, through Him!  He is why!  Because He is love!  He proved that by sending His One and Only Son to die for us - to take the penalty of sin for us... a gift none of us could ever earn or be worthy of but given anyway because of His love for us!  It takes a long time for that truth to sink in for some.  I know that it took a while for me to grasp it.
My next thought was how could someone like me - whom society deems as unworthy of ever approaching someone like Demi - ever get close enough to share The Message with her?  I wondered how it could be that she is 49 and has either not heard or has not believed the Blessed Message.  I thought about mentors again.  As I got ready for work, various scenarios played out in my mind about me personally attempting to reach her with news that would completely turn her life around, whether or not Ashton ever came back in it to stay.  None of the scenarios I imagined turned out very well.
After finishing my morning routine at work, I pulled out my little book, "His Princess - Love Letters from Your King" by Sheri Rose Shepherd.  On page 28 I read, "Pray with Power" and was reminded on page 29 of John 14:13-14 You can ask anything in My Name and I will do it, because the work of the Son brings glory to The Father.  Yes, ask anything in My Name and I will do it.
So, I prayed for Demi.  And through this experience, I am compelled to add to my daily prayers, a prayer for all of those who are in her position... not that of celebrity, but that of fearing they are unlovable when they are loved by The Most High!  I have long known I should pray for the lost.  I will pray for a while and then they drop off my prayer list for a time.  The process through which I've gone this morning in my response to Demi Moore's confession of fear has helped me realize that one so lost does need our prayers - I am reminded of the pain of being one so lost, the fear, the anguish, the hopelessness.  How I think of the lost has gone from abstract to very real and personal to me - I didn't realize it wasn't before now.
Not to embark into another subject and detract from what I've already discussed, but I need to mention briefly that I do realize in what all I've said here that I've made the assumption (and perhaps the judgment) that Demi is one so lost.  If I am guilty of judging, I believe God will reveal that to me and I will repent.  What I believe I have done is discern the reason for her fear and launched into the only action available to me in order to help her - called upon The One Who truly can... and truly will help her!

Flat-line or Peace

For the past several weeks, perhaps even months, I have been a little concerned for myself.  In a discussion I had with one of my Sisters, I described myself as flat-lined - no peaks, no dips.  I expressed that while I am grateful for the lack of dips, I am also concerned about the lack of peaks.  I assured her that I did not feel sad or depressed, but neither was I elated or full of joy.  This concerned me, you see, because I kept thinking about the verses that talk about being filled with the joy of God.  And while I could claim many things from God on a daily basis, joy was not among them.  I had begun taking this to God in prayer, 'where is my joy'?  Not in the sense of accusing Him of denying me His joy, but concern that perhaps I was missing something that precluded me from experiencing His joy.  I even began to question if I truly had the things I claimed to have from Him if there was no evidence of joy in my life.
My Sister said something to the effect that we level out and don't stay hyped up all the time in any of our relationships.  She added that if we did, we would have no counter against which to weigh our joy and thereby know when we are joyful or how much joy we have.  I reasoned that she was right and decided to relax about the issue and our visit moved on to other topics.
Later she made a comment about the peace in her life - which, I might add, was very hard to come by for her... as I am sure it was for most of us for one reason or another.  As soon as she made that comment it struck me; what I was defining as "flat-line" was probably actually peace in my life!  It further struck me that so much of my life has been such a series of high peaks and low valleys that now that I find myself on fairly level ground, while refreshing, it is rather foreign to me.  I didn't recognize it for what it was; Peace!
And I have to smile as I confess, recognizing and realizing that I have a heart full of peace, knowing that this peace is from Him, I am also filled with joy!  Here again is another example of God rewriting my dictionary (a processed started by Him through Dr. Timothy Young more than 15 years ago - mentioned in "Mama's Legacy" posted 10-12-10... or for a more in-depth description read: The Journey Begins) when He redefined Love, Family, God, and even Jenney Lou.  Now He has redefined peace so that I may more readily recognize that I have it in my life instead of fearing that I am living a 'flat-line' life!  I am so blessed!  As my Son-in-law likes to say when asked how he is doing or when telling someone how blessed he is, better than I deserve!

Filling up

Today I am longing for home.  Sometimes the stresses, cares, and chaos of this world seem a bit too much and I find my spirit sighing and longing for home.  Of course, when I say home, I assume you know that I mean, my home in heaven with Him.  Probably, what I am really saying is I long for peace - which, I know won't come in this world.  We are afforded fragments of peace throughout our lives that will not, cannot compare to the peace we will have at home with Him.
Sometimes I am strong and find myself seeking out those who need a little help getting through in this life.  Not today.  Today... well, take this very moment.  I am listening to contemporary Christian music on Pandora.  The song currently playing is Angus Del by Passion.  I so need this type of song today - it lifts me up, makes me feel alive instead of so burdened; as though I am being carried.
So I will accept songs like this that feed and fill my spirit today, because tomorrow may be different and I may be called upon to lift, fill or feed!

Scary Fruit?

John 15:15-17

15  - I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I have learned from My Father, I have made known to you.
16 - You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that what ever you ask in My Name, The Father will give you.
17 - This is My command - Love each other.

"...appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit - fruit that will last..."  Scary words for someone who leans towards being a bit reclusive.  This doesn't just denote responsibility, it's blatant!  Appointed by Jesus.  Why?  To bear fruit, and not just bear fruit, but fruit that will last.  And, what is this fruit we are to bear?  Souls for The Kingdom?  Oh, well, definitely that for sure!  But, is that all?  I believe the verse indicates that it is definitely not all!  The souls for The Kingdom would be fruit, fruit that will last is assisting those souls to be thoroughly rooted in The Kingdom, nurtured so that they can grow, fed, watered - the whole nine yards!
When I think back to when I first believed, I was baptized but, it didn't stick.  I was baptized several times as a preteen and during my teen years.  Why?  I really didn't know or understand what I was doing.  My heart was touched, convinced of His love and sacrifice for me and I knew I wanted to be a part of that... a part of His church family.  I was convinced that baptism was the way in, but I didn't know what to do once I got in there.  So, I kept going back out and coming back in again.  In short, someone dropped the ball.  I had very little guidance other than to be lectured as to proper and acceptable conduct of teens residing in a church-sponsored children's home.  I received my 'don't list' for life.  I still did not know what to do.  I didn't know how to love Him.  I didn't even know how to grow in Him.  And I certainly didn't know how to love others!  The King James version was the acceptable version of the day and very difficult to follow and understand.  It seemed I was always directed to those verses that made The Father seem cold, distant, harsh, even cruel and mean, lacking in compassion and aloof.
So it is that I am aware that those Babes in Christ need nurturing just as a new born baby.  Because being left on one's own to wade through Scripture and try to understand, try to get a clear and accurate picture of God, is difficult at best!  Being young in Christ, one isn't aware of the assistance of the Holy Spirit.  It makes it nearly impossible to distinguish the voice of The Spirit from every other voice within - some accusing, some urging one direction, some urging another direction.
Let me just add right here that it doesn't matter a person's age, either!  Unlike physical babies, new reborns in Christ can go through a period of no growth.  Years may pass before someone comes along and nourishes the reborn so that growth may resume!
Fruit that will last, I believe, means we don't just count souls added to The Kingdom, but we become a mentor, a companion to help that one along as they grow in faith... grow in Christ!
My passion is helping those who have been added to The Kingdom, and perhaps grew for a while, but have been wounded, deeply wounded; primarily women, but men have been deeply wounded and have pulled away from God as well.  I have a deep desire to seek out those people and aid them in their healing process - urging them back to God.  Helping them to see that He IS safe, they can trust Him.
So, perhaps I'm not as afraid of fruit, or my responsibility concerning fruit as initially thought.

Breathe Him In

John 15:15-17

15 - I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for everything I have learned from My Father, I have made known to you.
16 - You did not choose me, I chose you and appointed you that you might go and bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that whatever you ask in My Name, The Father will give you.
17 - This is My command, Love each other.

Have you thought about it; "for everything I have learned from My Father, I have made known to you"?
Jesus, as a human, learned from His Father - the same Father we now claim as our Heavenly Father, the same that we know as God, the Creator.  How did He do that?  Supernaturally?  Because He was the Son of God, He had something special we don't have in order to be able to learn from The Father while here on earth?  I used to think so.  But the more I learn, the more I grow and come to realize, the more I believe that Jesus, while here, was all human.  He never ceased to be God, but He was all man.  That's a mystery only God can explain and I will not attempt to - instead, where I am going with this is back to my new favorite verse.  "...for everything I have learned from My Father, I have made known to you."
Everything.
I believe this includes the ability to have the same kind of relationship with The Father that Jesus enjoyed.  I believe that the gift of the Holy Spirit enables us... assists us in establishing and deepening that relationship!  I believe that such a relationship is the foundation to all else we will learn from The Father throughout our lives.
Perhaps my age has something to do with this, but I have noticed that as time goes on, this becomes more important to me.  I deeply desire such a relationship with The Father that it's as if He were my constant companion by my side - which He is, but I want to be so acutely aware of it that He's almost physically real.  I want to breathe Him in and exhale love... the kind of love that Jesus commands that we have for each other.

An Amazing Gift

I will try my new favorite verse again;

John 15:15-17

15- I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead, I have called you friend, for everything I have learned from My Father I have made known to you.
16- You did not choose Me, I chose you and have appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that what ever you ask in My Name, The Father will give you.
17- And this is My command - love each other.

I'm second guessing myself - was that John 15 or John 5?  Well, just so that you know, when I am typing a new post, I do not have access to my previous posts so I cannot check for accuracy until after I have already published this post.

I have been thinking about the implications of no longer being called servants because a servant doesn't know his master's business.  The implication being, we can therefore know The Father's business!  I have several different subscriptions to Heartlight; the verse of the day, studying about the Holy Spirit, praying with Paul, etc. Recently, the discussion about the Holy Spirit reminds me that we can expect to do so much more than our own abilities when we are empowered by the Holy Spirit.  We are promised the gift of the Holy Spirit by Jesus and one of the responsibilities of the Holy Spirit is to bring to our remembrance, everything that Jesus taught.
Today's verse regarding the Holy Spirit reminds me that while the disciples were taught so much regarding God's will and about His Kingdom, Jesus instructed them to wait in Jerusalem until they received the promised gift of the Holy Spirit - meaning; as much as they knew, as prepared as they were, they still could not go forth and share the Good News until they were given the gift of the Holy Spirit to direct them, guide them, help them, empower them, etc.  Where I am struggling to determine with all of this is that it seems to me that knowing God's business may primarily come from His Word - we get the basics there.  But applying that today comes from His Holy Spirit - I mean, knowing His Will for today, the immediate, in any given situation.  I guess I said all of that to say that I think that it is the Holy Spirit that allows us to know The Father's business.  And what an amazing gift that is!

Keep Him Real

"Start this year with a journal that collects your faith stories. Look
back on your pictures and search for God's fingerprints. Write down
what God reveals. There is more hidden in the past than you remember.

Listen for your story in silence ... even in the boring stuff.

Close your mouth. Open your eyes. Silence is the prerequisite to
imagination. We must be present and observant to the world around us,
the world within us, and the movements of God in both. See beyond your
vision." Ron Rose from a Heartlight Magazine article 01-06-12

I share this because I have found it to be so true! In the most mundane, ordinary, and unexpected ways and through the most mundane, ordinary, and unexpected sources God has given me little messages, stories... spice for life!  I once watched an episode of The Andy Griffith Show; "Opie weaves the fabulous tale of Mr. McBeevee, a man who walks in the treetops, wears a silver hat, has twelve extra hands, blows smoke from his ears, and jingles when he walks as if he had rings on his fingers and bells on his toes. But other than those few quirks, Mr. McBeevee is normal. Andy and Barney laugh it off, but when Opie brings back a quarter he claims was given to him by his friend, Andy is forced to call the stories to a halt. Faced with the threat of a spanking, Opie is still unable to betray the existence of Mr. McBeevee. Andy may have to accept the unacceptable in the face of Opie's insistence. Later, when out for a walk, Andy happens past the very same tree Mr. McBeevee, a telephone linesman, is working in. Andy gets his own introduction to the man who walks in the trees and Opie is vindicated."

As I watched this episode, I was struck by how we are sometimes confronted by a new aspect of God we have not experienced but hear of someone else's experience.  I realized how often it was much like Opie describing Mr. McBeevee to his Pa - it seems too far out there to be real or true.  Like Opie, the one relating his or her experience has to deal with our skepticism or blatant disbelief.  
Now, granted, Opie's experience was his lack of experience in being able to clearly relate to his Pa who he had encountered.  And while I do believe that God's Word reveals to us what we need to know about God - even in His Word, we can often go back and see something we never recognized before!  
For instance, I have shared my D-Day experience and how I needed God to be real, present, today, now... immediate!  Prior to that day, I had been taught about God in the past!  It is an amazing history to be sure!  I had been taught about the promises of God for our future, after this life.  But I could not accept that there was nothing for  us here, today other than what I could find printed on paper, bound in a book.  I needed Him to come off the page and into my heart... to step down from my intellect and bring my spirit alive!  Though it went against all I had been taught up to that point, I desperately needed Him tangible and immediate!  That was nearly 16 years ago.  I still discover something new about God - new to me - in His Word!  But more than that, I hear Him now, see Him, feel Him, experience Him in ways I had been taught were not possible for us today; such as in an episode of The Andy Griffith Show.  Such as in watching the clouds overhead and various scriptures immediately come to mind - to me, that's nothing short of a touch, a caress, an affirmation from The Father!  One day, when suffering from severe congestion, I was listening to Pandora and heard a song that I decided I needed to check for the name and artist and saw that it was performed by "Needtobreathe"!  Coincidence?  I prefer to believe that it was a little humor from The Father!  It gave me a chuckle!
I do believe you can find, hear, see, feel The Father every day... in the little things, in the ordinary ways, through mundane sources if you tune your heart to Him.  Discover where He has been hiding in plain sight in your life, seeking Him every day in every way - you'll be surprised where and how you discover Him!  If ever the expression "Keep it Real" applied to anything, it applies to this with a little tweak, "Keep Him Real"!

More Overflow

I have been working on my memorization - here's my first test, typing from memory:

John 15:15-17
15 I no longer call you servants because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead, I call you friends for every thing I have learned from My Father, I have... I have... I have made known to you.
16 You did not choose Me, I chose you and appointed you that you might bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that what ever you ask for in My Name, The Father will give you.
17 This is My command - love each other.

How did I do?  I got stumped there for a moment but for the most part, I believe I got it right.
Jesus calls us Friends!  Friends!  The first thought that comes to my mind is - am I a good friend to Jesus?  Immediately following that thought comes the one regarding (allow me to paraphrase from memory); "for insomuch as you have done this for the least of these, you have done it for me."  Done what?  Visited those in prison - me?  Never.  Offered a cup of water to the thirsty - me?  Define thirsty.  Are we talking physically thirsty?  Then, never.  Are we talking spiritually thirsty?  I don't keep a tally, but I know that I have attempted to offer Jesus, the Living Water to those who are spiritually thirsty.  Isn't there a third part to this?  If so, it's not at the forefront of my memory.  But, looking at this, I'm not doing so well as His friend.  There's definitely room for improvement!
However, there's another side to this friendship.  He, on the other hand, is The Perfect friend!  He has forgiven me and continues to forgive me!  He gave Himself for me!  He is patient with me and assists me in becoming a better friend to Him!  While I am disappointed at my score, His score sends me into overflowing again!  I suspect He doesn't keep score, knowing He would always score the highest!  I suspect He is always looking for ways to help us improve our scores!  And I am undone with more overflow!

Overflowing

My new favorite verse is John 15:16, but I will attempt to memorize John 15: 15-17 (to keep it in context).

John 15: 15 - 17:
15 - I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business.  Instead, I have called you friends, for every thing that I learned from My Father I have made known to you.
16 - You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit - fruit that will last - and so that whatever you ask in My Name The Father will give you.
17 - This is My command: Love each other.

The part that I already memorized that I did not have to look up is, "You did not choose me, but I chose you..."  Just that part by itself spoke such healing, comfort, peace, joy and confidence to my heart!  When I consider that He knew me back 'when'... when I refused to seek Him, when I was deliberately sinning, when I wanted the world and felt I deserved it - yet, He chose me anyway!  Amazing!
When I consider that He knows me today... every selfish thought, every ounce of jealousy, every indulgence in thoughts of retaliation, every selfish, negative attitude - and yet, He chose me anyway!  Really amazing!
When I consider that He knows my future... every mistake I will make, every rebellion against His Will, every failure on my part to be all that He is willing to help me become - still He chose me!  Beyond comprehension!

Okay, to be perfectly honest, I had to look up the scripture that contained the part that I remembered and had not been aware that the rest went along with my favorite part.  I was going to write more about the rest of the content, but after rereading it several times, I believe I need to allow myself more time to absorb and digest before I comment.
Meanwhile, I am filled to overflowing as I consider how He chose me... and... He chose you!